“Do conversations end when people want them to?” I watched a stupefying number of conversations unfold, some of them blooming into beautiful repartee (one pair of participants exchanged numbers afterward), others collapsing into awkward silences.
Why did some conversations unfurl and others wilt
One answer, I realized, may be the clash of take-​and-​take vs. give-​and-​take.
Givers think that conversations unfold as a series of invitations; takers think conversations unfold as a series of declarations.
Takers are especially valuable when you add more minds to the mix. Some of my research is about how turn-​taking works differently in two-​person vs. multi-​person conversations
When it’s just you and me, taking turns is easy: you go, I go, repeat. When it’s you and me and Nina and Marlon, who should talk next? It’s often unclear, so we all stand around waiting for someone else to take their turn or to invite us to take ours.
When we’re all standing on the perimeter of an empty dance circle, takers are the martyrs who will launch themselves
When we’re all standing on the perimeter of an empty dance circle, takers are the martyrs who will launch themselves into the middle and do the stanky legg
What’s up?” is one of the most dreadful texts to get; it’s short for “Hello, I’d like you to entertain me now.”)
When done well, both giving and taking create what psychologists call affordances: features of the environment that allow you to do something.
A few unfortunate psychological biases hold us back from creating these conversational doorknobs and from grabbing them when we see them. We think people want to hear about exciting stuff we did without them (“I went to Budapest!”) when they actually are happier talking about mundane stuff we did together (“Remember when we got stuck in traffic driving to DC?”)
Conversational affordances often require saying something at least a little bit intimate about yourself, so even the faintest fear of rejection on either side can prevent conversations from taking off.
jump-​start friendship in the lab, they have participants answer a series of questions that require steadily escalating amounts of self-​disclosure (you may have seen this as “The 36 Questions that Lead to Love”
So the next time you find yourself slogging through a conversation that just ain’t working, remember this little ditty: GIVE-​AND-​TAKE, TAKE-​AND-​TAKE
The best improvisers, like the best conversation partners, have very sharp hearing; they can echolocate a door slightly left ajar,
The best improvisers, like the best conversation partners, have very sharp hearing; they can echolocate a door slightly left ajar, waiting for a gentle push from the outside.
For example, I’m thrilled to tell you about the 126 escape rooms I’ve done, but my love for paying people $35 to lock me in a room blinds me to the fact that you probably do not give a hoot. I may even think I’m being generous by asking about your experiences with escape rooms, when my supposed giving is really just selfishness with a question mark at the end (“Enough of me talking about stuff I like.
Time for you to talk about stuff I like!”). There is no known
Time for you to talk about stuff I like!”).
“Do conversations end when people want them to?” I watched a stupefying number of conversations unfold, some of them blooming into beautiful repartee (one pair of participants exchanged numbers afterward), others collapsing into awkward silences.
Why did some conversations unfurl and others wilt
One answer, I realized, may be the clash of take-​and-​take vs. give-​and-​take.
Givers think that conversations unfold as a series of invitations; takers think conversations unfold as a series of declarations.
Takers are especially valuable when you add more minds to the mix. Some of my research is about how turn-​taking works differently in two-​person vs. multi-​person conversations
When it’s just you and me, taking turns is easy: you go, I go, repeat. When it’s you and me and Nina and Marlon, who should talk next? It’s often unclear, so we all stand around waiting for someone else to take their turn or to invite us to take ours.
When we’re all standing on the perimeter of an empty dance circle, takers are the martyrs who will launch themselves
When we’re all standing on the perimeter of an empty dance circle, takers are the martyrs who will launch themselves into the middle and do the stanky legg
What’s up?” is one of the most dreadful texts to get; it’s short for “Hello, I’d like you to entertain me now.”)
When done well, both giving and taking create what psychologists call affordances: features of the environment that allow you to do something.
A few unfortunate psychological biases hold us back from creating these conversational doorknobs and from grabbing them when we see them. We think people want to hear about exciting stuff we did without them (“I went to Budapest!”) when they actually are happier talking about mundane stuff we did together (“Remember when we got stuck in traffic driving to DC?”)
Conversational affordances often require saying something at least a little bit intimate about yourself, so even the faintest fear of rejection on either side can prevent conversations from taking off.
jump-​start friendship in the lab, they have participants answer a series of questions that require steadily escalating amounts of self-​disclosure (you may have seen this as “The 36 Questions that Lead to Love”
So the next time you find yourself slogging through a conversation that just ain’t working, remember this little ditty: GIVE-​AND-​TAKE, TAKE-​AND-​TAKE
The best improvisers, like the best conversation partners, have very sharp hearing; they can echolocate a door slightly left ajar,
The best improvisers, like the best conversation partners, have very sharp hearing; they can echolocate a door slightly left ajar, waiting for a gentle push from the outside.
For example, I’m thrilled to tell you about the 126 escape rooms I’ve done, but my love for paying people $35 to lock me in a room blinds me to the fact that you probably do not give a hoot. I may even think I’m being generous by asking about your experiences with escape rooms, when my supposed giving is really just selfishness with a question mark at the end (“Enough of me talking about stuff I like.
Time for you to talk about stuff I like!”). There is no known
