• The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker explores the importance of designing meaningful human connections and social events.
• Parker provides insight into 3 different types of gatherings: consequential, intimate and unplanned. These have different purposes and require different approaches.
• UX Designers can learn from this book how to create experiences that bring people together, foster meaningful conversations and evoke positive emotions.
• Other books that may be interesting for UX Designers include: Creative Confidence by Tom and David Kelley, Design for Emotion by Trevor van Gorp and The Design Thinking Playbook by Michael Lewrick.
🎀 Highlights
when we do try to plan, we tend to be focused on the practicalities.
lackluster, boring gatherings. If you’ve ever felt that your dinner party lost a little energy during dessert or that your corporate strategy meetings could be more focused, here you can find out how to pep things up.
crossing people off the invite list can sometimes be the key
crossing people off the invite list can sometimes be the key to a successful gathering;
why crossing people off the invite list can sometimes be the key to a successful gathering;
not letting guests pour themselves a drink might be the key to a fun party;
And as our lives end, our families and loved ones gather at our funerals.
At work, we moan about conferences and meetings.
employees cited wasteful meetings as their top barrier to getting work done.
Gatherings are a huge part of life, and they’re a part of the human experience.
Non-professional gatherings are also increasingly disappointing.
gatherings built around church communities are in decline.
75 percent of people were dissatisfied with their platonic relationships.
might think more people would take the time to think about how to change things. But instead, we keep taking the same approach.
find that the event organizers have given serious thought to how guests will connect with each other and get something meaningful from the gathering.
we tend to focus on the mechanics. What is fundamentally a human challenge – how to bring people together in a way that is meaningful, interesting or thought-provoking
We focus on Powerpoints, AV equipment, table decorations and menu choices, more than we think about people and human connection.
You don’t need to be an extrovert or have a fancy house or location for hosting your event. You just need to read on.
too many of our gatherings follow ritualized formats, rather than being built around a clear purpose.
Nevermind that a quick email exchange could be more effective than a weekly catch-up meeting. That’s the way things have always been done, so the ritual continues.
when you are organizing a gathering, try to think less about the what and more about the why.
The concept of “the more the merrier” is deeply rooted in society. Most of us have heard those words since childhood. So
The concept of “the more the merrier” is deeply rooted in society. Most of us have heard those words since childhood. So when we think about guest lists, we often focus on inclusion. But sometimes exclusion is just as important, even if it can feel a little uncomfortable. The author had to grapple
The concept of “the more the merrier” is deeply rooted in society. Most of us have heard those words since childhood. So when we think about guest lists, we often focus on inclusion. But sometimes exclusion is just as important, even if it can feel a little uncomfortable.
The only people allowed to live there? Retirees, of course, and five college music students, who are given free accommodation in exchange for recitals and participation in the community.
Judson Manor, a retirement community in Ohio that limits its residents in an exclusive way. The only people allowed to live there? Retirees, of course, and five college music students, who are given free accommodation in exchange for recitals and participation in the community.
The older residents meanwhile enjoy regular live music and the presence of energetic young people, which can act as a remedy against isolation, dementia and perhaps even high blood pressure.
In modern life, being chill is often treated as a virtue. As a result, we’re hesitant to tell people what to do, even at events we are hosting ourselves. Being laid back, not imposing on our guests, feels like the right thing to do.
being a “chill” host is an abdication of your responsibility to your gathering and guests, and it’s a sure-fire way to let things fizzle out.
housewarming party in Brooklyn. After guests had eaten, the party suffered something of a lull, with guests unsure where the party was going and whether they should just leave. The author suggested to the hosts that they initiate a game of Werewolf –  a dynamic group game that could bring the guests together and inject some much needed energy into the evening. But the host was skeptical about whether all guests would enjoy it, and she wasn’t willing to exercise her power as host to get them on board. Doing nothing was an easier option. The moment passed, and the party soon broke up.
exercising authority can really be the best way to get people to enjoy themselves and obtain value from a gathering.
Latitude Society, a secretive networking organization that hosted underground, invitation-only gatherings in San Francisco,
The society’s rules were designed to encourage bonding and belonging.
attendees weren’t allowed to pour themselves a drink, meaning they would have to ask someone else to pour it for them.
Anyone hosting a gathering of any kind today has to deal with the fact that being distracted by technology is a reality of modern
A Deloitte study has shown that people check their phones an average of 150 times a day.
How do you ensure that your attendees are truly present?
A Deloitte study has shown that people check their phones an average of 150 times a day. How do you ensure that 50 of those aren’t happening at your gathering?
they forced a sense of presence that is rare in modern day, tech-addled, distraction-filled New York.
smartphones mean we all carry with us the ability to be anywhere. As a result, making the active choice to do just one thing in a day, with a set of people, and to focus on that and on being present, feels significant and meaningful.
In a world that gives us almost indefinite choices, enforcing focus on just one thing is really an act of liberation.
prime them with the right expectations.
Priming can be a simple business, and it may just mean making a small request of your guests.
The day before, he fired off a quick message to all his guests, asking them to send photographs of two happy occasions they’d
The day before, he fired off a quick message to all his guests, asking them to send photographs of two happy occasions they’d had in the year past.
when they arrived to find a Christmas tree decorated with their photos – of scuba-diving trips, babies and post-show selfies – the mood was set perfectly for a joyous evening.
think about how you can honor your guests as they arrive. This could be as simple as beautifully decorating the table before a friend comes over for what they think is a casual lunch.
Sugata Roychowdhury, who on the first day of class, recorded attendance in an incredible way.
Sugata Roychowdhury, who on the first day of class, recorded attendance in an incredible way. Instead of reading through and checking off the list of 70 students’ names, he paced the room. One by one, he held eye contact with the students, pointed at them and stated their full name.
He’d taken the entire class attendance from memory,
The students were mesmerized and immediately felt both honored and excited to be in his class.
perhaps you can think of a way to introduce your dinner guests not by their occupation or other banal facts, but with a story that expresses something unique about them.
kind of meaningful introduction is also a great way to encourage authenticity.
At business conferences, we talk of our achievements and successes, rarely dwelling on our vulnerabilities. But all too often this leads to dull, impersonal conversations.
she asked them all, at some point in the evening, to stand up and give a toast to the good life, and to start their toast by telling a personal story from their own lives.
This, she figured, would stop the guests droning on about their achievements and force them to get real. The result?
death meditation, when she reflects on everything she would leave behind if she died, while savoring her gratitude for being alive.
ask for stories. People intuitively know that an interesting story is about vulnerability, risk and emotion. You can’t tell an interesting story about how successful you are.
she made a raw, honest toast herself, recounting how she got her first period and how her mother reacted with joy and celebration.
reveal yourself. One of the reasons the author’s dinner was such a success was because
was, she told the group, a time when she felt that she was seen and that she mattered, as a result of her mother’s reaction.  If you want your guests to share something personal, you have to be prepared to expose yourself first. Take the lead, and others will follow.
In bars around the world, barmen shout out “last call” a little while before closing. Why? To allow the clientele to resolve their unfinished business – whether that’s ordering one for the road or winding down their heated debates about French philosophy. It nudges them toward a clear ending.
other important element of an ending is to ensure your gathering is remembered – for the right reasons.
It’s an ending that ensures that his gathering is remembered for purposeful reasons, long after it has drifted into the past.
he shows them a card trick. It looks like magic, he tells them, but really it’s just a technique. And he tells the students that he hopes that they can master the techniques that he has taught them, until it looks and feels like magic.
The gatherings in our lives are too often lackluster and lacking in purpose. But it doesn’t have to be this way!
Final summary
training, you could get your colleagues to spend a day with a subway busker,
Or if you are organizing a sales training, you could get your colleagues to spend a day with a subway busker, connecting them with the purest form of their work.
best gathering locations are ones that inspire and embody the true purpose of your gathering. So think carefully about where to do things, and break out
best gathering locations are ones that inspire and embody the true purpose of your gathering. So think carefully about where to do things, and break out of your normal spaces.
learn more about the art of building lasting relationships? In Coffee Lunch Coffee, Alana Muller offers a practical guide to the art of networking.
when we do try to plan, we tend to be focused on the practicalities.
lackluster, boring gatherings. If you’ve ever felt that your dinner party lost a little energy during dessert or that your corporate strategy meetings could be more focused, here you can find out how to pep things up.
crossing people off the invite list can sometimes be the key
crossing people off the invite list can sometimes be the key to a successful gathering;
why crossing people off the invite list can sometimes be the key to a successful gathering;
not letting guests pour themselves a drink might be the key to a fun party;
And as our lives end, our families and loved ones gather at our funerals.
At work, we moan about conferences and meetings.
employees cited wasteful meetings as their top barrier to getting work done.
Gatherings are a huge part of life, and they’re a part of the human experience.
Non-professional gatherings are also increasingly disappointing.
gatherings built around church communities are in decline.
75 percent of people were dissatisfied with their platonic relationships.
might think more people would take the time to think about how to change things. But instead, we keep taking the same approach.
find that the event organizers have given serious thought to how guests will connect with each other and get something meaningful from the gathering.
we tend to focus on the mechanics. What is fundamentally a human challenge – how to bring people together in a way that is meaningful, interesting or thought-provoking
We focus on Powerpoints, AV equipment, table decorations and menu choices, more than we think about people and human connection.
You don’t need to be an extrovert or have a fancy house or location for hosting your event. You just need to read on.
too many of our gatherings follow ritualized formats, rather than being built around a clear purpose.
Nevermind that a quick email exchange could be more effective than a weekly catch-up meeting. That’s the way things have always been done, so the ritual continues.
when you are organizing a gathering, try to think less about the what and more about the why.
The concept of “the more the merrier” is deeply rooted in society. Most of us have heard those words since childhood. So
The concept of “the more the merrier” is deeply rooted in society. Most of us have heard those words since childhood. So when we think about guest lists, we often focus on inclusion. But sometimes exclusion is just as important, even if it can feel a little uncomfortable. The author had to grapple
The concept of “the more the merrier” is deeply rooted in society. Most of us have heard those words since childhood. So when we think about guest lists, we often focus on inclusion. But sometimes exclusion is just as important, even if it can feel a little uncomfortable.
The only people allowed to live there? Retirees, of course, and five college music students, who are given free accommodation in exchange for recitals and participation in the community.
Judson Manor, a retirement community in Ohio that limits its residents in an exclusive way. The only people allowed to live there? Retirees, of course, and five college music students, who are given free accommodation in exchange for recitals and participation in the community.
The older residents meanwhile enjoy regular live music and the presence of energetic young people, which can act as a remedy against isolation, dementia and perhaps even high blood pressure.
In modern life, being chill is often treated as a virtue. As a result, we’re hesitant to tell people what to do, even at events we are hosting ourselves. Being laid back, not imposing on our guests, feels like the right thing to do.
being a “chill” host is an abdication of your responsibility to your gathering and guests, and it’s a sure-fire way to let things fizzle out.
housewarming party in Brooklyn. After guests had eaten, the party suffered something of a lull, with guests unsure where the party was going and whether they should just leave. The author suggested to the hosts that they initiate a game of Werewolf –  a dynamic group game that could bring the guests together and inject some much needed energy into the evening. But the host was skeptical about whether all guests would enjoy it, and she wasn’t willing to exercise her power as host to get them on board. Doing nothing was an easier option. The moment passed, and the party soon broke up.
exercising authority can really be the best way to get people to enjoy themselves and obtain value from a gathering.
Latitude Society, a secretive networking organization that hosted underground, invitation-only gatherings in San Francisco,
The society’s rules were designed to encourage bonding and belonging.
attendees weren’t allowed to pour themselves a drink, meaning they would have to ask someone else to pour it for them.
Anyone hosting a gathering of any kind today has to deal with the fact that being distracted by technology is a reality of modern
A Deloitte study has shown that people check their phones an average of 150 times a day.
How do you ensure that your attendees are truly present?
A Deloitte study has shown that people check their phones an average of 150 times a day. How do you ensure that 50 of those aren’t happening at your gathering?
they forced a sense of presence that is rare in modern day, tech-addled, distraction-filled New York.
smartphones mean we all carry with us the ability to be anywhere. As a result, making the active choice to do just one thing in a day, with a set of people, and to focus on that and on being present, feels significant and meaningful.
In a world that gives us almost indefinite choices, enforcing focus on just one thing is really an act of liberation.
prime them with the right expectations.
Priming can be a simple business, and it may just mean making a small request of your guests.
The day before, he fired off a quick message to all his guests, asking them to send photographs of two happy occasions they’d
The day before, he fired off a quick message to all his guests, asking them to send photographs of two happy occasions they’d had in the year past.
when they arrived to find a Christmas tree decorated with their photos – of scuba-diving trips, babies and post-show selfies – the mood was set perfectly for a joyous evening.
think about how you can honor your guests as they arrive. This could be as simple as beautifully decorating the table before a friend comes over for what they think is a casual lunch.
Bring a framexd picture to the dinner
Sugata Roychowdhury, who on the first day of class, recorded attendance in an incredible way.
Sugata Roychowdhury, who on the first day of class, recorded attendance in an incredible way. Instead of reading through and checking off the list of 70 students’ names, he paced the room. One by one, he held eye contact with the students, pointed at them and stated their full name.
He’d taken the entire class attendance from memory,
The students were mesmerized and immediately felt both honored and excited to be in his class.
perhaps you can think of a way to introduce your dinner guests not by their occupation or other banal facts, but with a story that expresses something unique about them.
kind of meaningful introduction is also a great way to encourage authenticity.
At business conferences, we talk of our achievements and successes, rarely dwelling on our vulnerabilities. But all too often this leads to dull, impersonal conversations.
she asked them all, at some point in the evening, to stand up and give a toast to the good life, and to start their toast by telling a personal story from their own lives.
This, she figured, would stop the guests droning on about their achievements and force them to get real. The result?
death meditation, when she reflects on everything she would leave behind if she died, while savoring her gratitude for being alive.
ask for stories. People intuitively know that an interesting story is about vulnerability, risk and emotion. You can’t tell an interesting story about how successful you are.
she made a raw, honest toast herself, recounting how she got her first period and how her mother reacted with joy and celebration.
reveal yourself. One of the reasons the author’s dinner was such a success was because
was, she told the group, a time when she felt that she was seen and that she mattered, as a result of her mother’s reaction.  If you want your guests to share something personal, you have to be prepared to expose yourself first. Take the lead, and others will follow.
In bars around the world, barmen shout out “last call” a little while before closing. Why? To allow the clientele to resolve their unfinished business – whether that’s ordering one for the road or winding down their heated debates about French philosophy. It nudges them toward a clear ending.
other important element of an ending is to ensure your gathering is remembered – for the right reasons.
It’s an ending that ensures that his gathering is remembered for purposeful reasons, long after it has drifted into the past.
he shows them a card trick. It looks like magic, he tells them, but really it’s just a technique. And he tells the students that he hopes that they can master the techniques that he has taught them, until it looks and feels like magic.
The gatherings in our lives are too often lackluster and lacking in purpose. But it doesn’t have to be this way!
Final summary
training, you could get your colleagues to spend a day with a subway busker,
Or if you are organizing a sales training, you could get your colleagues to spend a day with a subway busker, connecting them with the purest form of their work.
best gathering locations are ones that inspire and embody the true purpose of your gathering. So think carefully about where to do things, and break out
best gathering locations are ones that inspire and embody the true purpose of your gathering. So think carefully about where to do things, and break out of your normal spaces.
learn more about the art of building lasting relationships? In Coffee Lunch Coffee, Alana Muller offers a practical guide to the art of networking.
