 🎀 Highlights
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A 'no' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble. - Mahatma Gandhi
learning to say no counteracts a lifetime of indoctrination
Being assertive means having the self-confidence to express your needs and wants, and pursue your own ends, even in the face of opposition.
Assertiveness is declaring your point of view and not feeling
Assertiveness is declaring your point of view and not feeling as if you need others’ approval or validation.
As you learn to be more assertive, your mindset will change. You’ll become more willing to share your ideas with others. You’ll be more inclined to ask for things you need and want. You’ll be less hesitant to express your opinions, and more ready to speak up for those who are unable or unwilling to speak up for themselves.
Aggressiveness is often an impulse. An aggressive person responds in a hostile or inconsiderate manner, and often regrets doing so later. By contrast, assertiveness is planned, thoughtful, and considerate. An assertive person communicates his or her position with clarity while taking the other person’s feelings into account.
when offense is taken in these circumstances, it usually stems from the requestor’s insecurities. He or she internalizes the word “no” as a personal rejection. It stings, which prompts the reaction.
Disappointment springs from unmet expectations.
Suppose a coworker asks for your help, but you’re already overwhelmed by your own responsibilities. So you rebuff the request. Your coworker becomes visibly disappointed by your refusal to help. But is his or her disappointment truly your fault? Or did your coworker approach you with unrealistic - and perhaps even unfair - expectations regarding your ability and willingness to offer help? The latter scenario is almost certainly the case unless you had previously promised to help your coworker. That being true, you cannot be held responsible for his or her disappointment.
Most of us care how others perceive us. We want to be thought of as good, caring, helpful individuals. To that end, we go out of our way to appear so through our actions.
Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. The problem is, if you’re constantly saying yes to other people, putting their priorities ahead of your own, you won’t have the time or energy to care for yourself. And you’ll slowly become irritated, cynical, and miserable.
Burdened with a low self-image, we mistakenly believe our time is worth less than others’ time. We wrongly assume our goals and interests are inferior to other people’s goals and interests. We perceive our value to the world as somehow less than the value offered by those around us.
The good news is that saying no can actually improve your sense of self-worth. The more you do it, the more you’ll come to realize that your time, commitments, and aspirations are just as important as those of the requestor.
learning to say no with purpose and poise will actually improve your status in the eyes of your friends, family members, and coworkers. You’ll no longer be seen as a doormat. Instead, you’ll gain their respect and inspire their
learning to say no with purpose and poise will actually improve your status in the eyes of your friends, family members, and coworkers. You’ll no longer be seen as a doormat. Instead, you’ll gain their respect and inspire their trust.
suppose a coworker asks you to help her with a report, and points out that you’re an expert on the material. If appearing valuable is important to you, being identified as an expert will feel momentarily exhilarating. You’ll be inclined to reinforce that notion by agreeing to her request, even if doing so means putting your own responsibilities on the back burner.
helping people is a respectable thing to do. But helping people for the wrong reasons will only reinforce a bad habit that’ll eventually cause you to feel bitter and resentful.
fear of missing out (FOMO for short).
Many folks have difficulty saying no because they struggle with conflict anxiety. They loathe confrontation, and will do just about anything to avoid it. For them, saying yes is a quick and easy way to quash a potential dust-up.
The problem is, capitulating to avoid conflict reinforces the idea that your feelings are less important than those of the other person. The reality is, they’re not less important. You’re just being made to feel that
The problem is, capitulating to avoid conflict reinforces the idea that your feelings are less important than those of the other person. The reality is, they’re not less important. You’re just being made to feel that way.
The problem is, capitulating to avoid conflict reinforces the idea that your feelings are less important than those of the other person. The reality is, they’re not less important. You’re just being made to feel that way. If you’re afraid of conflict, there are small, simple things you can do to overcome that fear. First, recognize that harmony isn’t always possible. People have conflicting opinions,
The problem is, capitulating to avoid conflict reinforces the idea that your feelings are less important than those of the other person. The reality is, they’re not less important. You’re just being made to feel that way. If you’re afraid of conflict, there are small, simple things you can do to overcome that fear. First, recognize that harmony isn’t always possible. People have conflicting opinions, needs, and desires. Friction is inevitable. Second, remind yourself that conflict isn’t necessarily bad. It’s merely the expression of contradictory views. How a person reacts to a conflict (with a calm demeanor or with anger) is an entirely different matter. Third, practice saying no in small steps. Start with situations where confrontations are likely to be nonexistent. An example is telling a salesperson at a clothing store that you don’t want to buy an article of clothing.
When you waffle in response to a request, you inadvertently welcome increased pressure from the requestor.
When you waffle in response to a request, you inadvertently welcome increased pressure from the requestor. The individual asking for your time will take your waffling as a sign of indecision. He or she will recognize that you can be coaxed toward his or her ends, even if that means you risk missing your own deadlines.
When you waffle in response to a request, you inadvertently welcome increased pressure from the requestor. The individual asking for your time will take your waffling as a sign of indecision. He or she will recognize that you can be coaxed toward his or her ends, even if that means you risk missing your own deadlines. For this reason, it’s always better to be clear when you decline requests. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t equivocate, hoping that it’ll pacify the requestor (it won’t). Instead, be candid about your unwillingness to consent to his or her request.
STRATEGY #1: BE DIRECT AND STRAIGHTFORWARD
STRATEGY #2: DON'T STALL FOR TIME
many of us are still tempted to stall for time when someone asks us for help. We know we’re unable to spare the time and/or energy. We realize the answer must ultimately be no. But instead of giving the requestor a direct response, we beat around the bush and delay the inevitable. For example, we respond by asking, “Can I get back to you on that?” Or we tell the requestor, “Let me think about it when I have a free moment.”
many of us are still tempted to stall for time when someone asks us for help. We know we’re unable to spare the time and/or energy. We realize the answer must ultimately be no. But instead of giving the requestor a direct response, we beat around the bush and delay the inevitable. For example, we respond by asking, “Can I get back to you on that?” Or we tell the requestor, “Let me think about it when I have a free moment.” Sometimes we do it to be tactful. We know we must decline the request, but we don’t want the requestor to think we’re rejecting him or her. We don’t want the individual to think it’s personal. Other times we do it out of fear. We’re concerned that refusing to put the requestor’s needs before our own will trigger a confrontation. So, we stall in the hopes of lessening the impact of our refusal. Still other times we delay because we truly want to help the individual, but are swamped and uncertain how to do it. We stall for time, hoping to figure out how to meet our own obligations while accommodating the requestor.
many of us are still tempted to stall for time when someone asks us for help. We know we’re unable to spare the time and/or energy. We realize the answer must ultimately be no. But instead of giving the requestor a direct response, we beat around the bush and delay the inevitable. For example, we respond by asking, “Can I get back to you on that?” Or we tell the requestor, “Let me think about it when I have a free moment.” Sometimes we do it to be tactful. We know we must decline the request, but we don’t want the requestor to think we’re rejecting him or her. We don’t want the individual to think it’s personal. Other times we do it out of fear. We’re concerned that refusing to put the requestor’s needs before our own will trigger a confrontation. So, we stall in the hopes of lessening the impact of our refusal. Still other times we delay because we truly want to help the individual, but are swamped and uncertain how to do it. We stall for time, hoping to figure out how to meet our own obligations while accommodating the requestor. Stalling is a bad idea for a few reasons. First, it strings the requestor along. It encourages him or her to hold out hope for your help even though there’s little chance you’ll be able to deliver. When the requestor realizes you’re unable to offer assistance, and his or her time has been wasted, he or she is likely to become irritated. Second, stalling makes you appear indecisive. When you fail to respond with a direct “no,” the requestor may become more assertive, believing you can be persuaded to acquiesce.
many of us are still tempted to stall for time when someone asks us for help. We know we’re unable to spare the time and/or energy. We realize the answer must ultimately be no. But instead of giving the requestor a direct response, we beat around the bush and delay the inevitable. For example, we respond by asking, “Can I get back to you on that?” Or we tell the requestor, “Let me think about it when I have a free moment.” Sometimes we do it to be tactful. We know we must decline the request, but we don’t want the requestor to think we’re rejecting him or her. We don’t want the individual to think it’s personal. Other times we do it out of fear. We’re concerned that refusing to put the requestor’s needs before our own will trigger a confrontation. So, we stall in the hopes of lessening the impact of our refusal. Still other times we delay because we truly want to help the individual, but are swamped and uncertain how to do it. We stall for time, hoping to figure out how to meet our own obligations while accommodating the requestor. Stalling is a bad idea for a few reasons. First, it strings the requestor along. It encourages him or her to hold out hope for your help even though there’s little chance you’ll be able to deliver. When the requestor realizes you’re unable to offer assistance, and his or her time has been wasted, he or she is likely to become irritated. Second, stalling makes you appear indecisive. When you fail to respond with a direct “no,” the requestor may become more assertive, believing you can be persuaded to acquiesce. Third, stalling for time reduces your productivity by prolonging the situation. It forces you to spend more time than necessary declining the request. When someone asks you for help, and you know you must turn down the request, don’t stall. Be direct and clear. Doing so may feel uncomfortable. It may even prompt the requestor to respond in anger. But you can’t control his or her response nor the emotions behind it. Being sincere wit
STRATEGY #3: REPLACE "NO" WITH ANOTHER WORD
Saying no can have negative effects, even if you do it with grace. For example, someone asking for your help might be offended if he or she associates the word “no” with a personal rejection. This individual might become angry if his or her ego is hurt by your response. These reactions can occur regardless of how tactful you are in declining the request. The word “no” carries an air of finality. Many people are ill-prepared to hear it, and lack the ability to accept it with poise and understanding. After repeatedly interacting
Saying no can have negative effects, even if you do it with grace. For example, someone asking for your help might be offended if he or she associates the word “no” with a personal rejection. This individual might become angry if his or her ego is hurt by your response. These reactions can occur regardless of how tactful you are in declining the request. The word “no” carries an air of finality. Many people are ill-prepared to hear it, and lack the ability to accept it with poise and understanding.
I can’t commit to that right now because I’m focused on a high-priority project.”
I’d like to help you, but I’m swamped with this project right now.”
People are depending on me to finish this project. If I abandon it to help you, I’d be letting them down.”
Notice how none of the above examples use the word “no.” It’s a difficult word to say because it’s a difficult word to hear. Turning down requests in ways that allow you to avoid saying no outright can help soften the blow. That can defuse any potential confrontation with the requestor.
STRATEGY #4: RESIST THE URGE TO
STRATEGY #4: RESIST THE URGE TO OFFER EXCUSES
The excuses are an attempt to deceive the person asking you for help.
There are two problems with this approach. First, you’re likely to feel guilty for misleading the requestor. Worse, the requestor will probably be able to recognize your deception. Remember, as I noted in Strategy #2: Don’t Stall For Time, none of us are as discreet as we imagine.
There are two problems with this approach. First, you’re likely to feel guilty for misleading the requestor. Worse, the requestor will probably be able to recognize your deception. Remember, as I noted in Strategy #2: Don’t Stall For Time, none of us are as discreet as we imagine. The result is that we risk earning a reputation for being untrustworthy.
There are two problems with this approach. First, you’re likely to feel guilty for misleading the requestor. Worse, the requestor will probably be able to recognize your deception. Remember, as I noted in Strategy #2: Don’t Stall For Time, none of us are as discreet as we imagine. The result is that we risk earning a reputation for being untrustworthy. Second, it opens the door to negotiations, which require time and effort. For example, suppose your neighbor asks you to help him build his deck this afternoon. You decline the request, explaining that you promised to take your kids to the movies. He responds by saying, “That’s fine. Can you help me tomorrow?”
The better approach is to turn down the request with a simple no, and resist the temptation to say more. This needn’t come across as rude or mean. On the contrary, as long as you’re civil, being direct shows respect. As a bonus, doing this consistently increases your self-confidence. That’ll make it easier for you to gracefully decline requests in the future.
STRATEGY #5: TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR DECISION
If we avoid taking ownership of our decisions to decline requests, we never feel truly empowered with a sense of personal agency. Every time we say “I can’t,” we train our minds to avoid taking responsibility. “I can’t” implies that we’re at the mercy of external constraints.
STRATEGY #6: ASK THE REQUESTOR TO FOLLOW UP LATER
STRATEGY #7: AVOID LYING ABOUT YOUR AVAILABILITY
When you tell these small, harmless lies, you erode your sense of personal authority. You train yourself to fear what others might think about your reasoning.
But most importantly, you train yourself to trust your own authority. Rather than lying about your availability and feeling guilty for doing so, you develop a strong sense of personal agency. You learn to rely on your own reasoning when deciding whether to consent to, or turn down, requests and invitations. As you develop and strengthen this confidence and resoluteness, you’ll become less concerned with how the requestor reacts to your saying no. You’ll recognize that as long as you decline requests with grace, honesty, and respect, the requestor’s reaction isn’t your responsibility.
STRATEGY #8: OFFER AN ALTERNATIVE
STRATEGY #9: SUGGEST ANOTHER PERSON WHO'S BETTER QUALIFIED
STRATEGY #10: DESCRIBE YOUR LACK OF BANDWIDTH
For this approach to be effective and guilt-free, you actually need to have a busy day ahead of you. In other words, don’t just make things up to appear busy. By describing your lack of bandwidth in detail, you’re letting the requestor know that you have other responsibilities. Abandoning these responsibilities isn’t an option for you.
BONUS STRATEGY #1: BE RESOLUTE